Four Years Clean! (and Grateful???????)

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Four Years Clean (and Grateful).

  Hey friends, it’s Carlee. I need a minute to collect myself. I am just in awe of the fact the on March 22nd, I will have four years clean from drugs and alcohol. For that, I am grateful.

Well, actually, I’m not sure if gratitude is what I’m feeling at the moment. Sometimes I think that gratitude is overrated. In my early recovery I would hear things like “Always have an attitude of gratitude” and “Grateful addicts don’t use!” UGH!

I’m here to tell you all that IT IS OKAY IF YOU’RE NOT FEELING GRATEFUL EVERY DAMN DAY. Some days are tough. Some days I want to scream and cry and be angry at the world. THIS IS OKAY! As long as I don’t use or intentionally harm myself, it’s fine. Let’s be honest, I didn’t get clean to be happy all the time. I got clean so I could experience life – good, bad, and indifferent. Sometimes I need to feel the “bad” feelings because it reminds me that I am human. In my opinion, that is beautiful.

            So I guess I can express my gratitude for the fact that I can feel a wide range of emotions. I can be authentic and recognize that my feelings cannot hurt me. I am no longer chained to substances that masked my feelings. Today I know that I am so much more than what my emotion is. I am Carlee and that is enough.